(Blame JV for the translation from German.)
The last words of a chemist:
1. And now the tasting test.
2. May that become hot?
3. And now a little bit from this...
4. ... and please keep that test tube alone!
5. And now shake it a bit.
6. Why is there no label on this bottle?
7. In which glass was my mineral water?
8. The bunsen burner *is* out!
9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
10. *H* stands for Nitrogen - and that does *not* burn...
11. Oh, now I have spilt something...
12. First the acid, then the water...
13. And now the detonating gas problem.
14. This is a completely safe experimental setup.
15. Where did I put my gloves?
16. O no, wrong beaker...
17. The fire alarm is just being tested.
18. Now you can take the protection window away...
19. And now keep ith constat at 24 degrees celsius, 25... 26... 27...20.
Peter can you please help me. Peter!?! Peeeeeteeeeer?!?!?!?
21. I feel it how long 15 seconds are!
22. Something is wrong here...
23. Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
24. Trust me - I know what I am doing.
25. And now a cigarette...
2.From: roberts#NoSpam.ucunix.san.uc.edu (Michael A. Roberts)
Isaac Asimov said that if you want to find a chemist,
ask him/her todiscuss the following words:
As he so eloquently put it, "If he starts talking about furry animals
and organized labor, keep walking."
3.Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
4.From: Casandra Sheldon
okay so I came to the realization while I was riding in the Jeep with my
I say to him You know when I Chemist says 'put it in a round
bottom' (you know round bottom flask) it doesn't mean what you think it
I don't know maybe you just have to have a dirty mind to find this funny
As one of our teaching assistants observed:
"The Chemistry Department is located near the Psychology Department for
good reason." ~Allisha Ray (2003)
6.From: John Bauer
Why I Am A Chemist, by Tom Walz
I am a chemist because when I was young I was told to look around and
see who had the kind of life I wanted to have. Then go do the same work.
What I found was that chemists are generally much better looking than
average. They test out smarter and have more friends. I heard about
some guys from a university who studied chemists in a bar. They found
that chemists get approached and generally get lucky about 43 times as
often as most folks.
Chemists win more at cards, catch more fish and are beloved by kids and
dogs. They can work their VCR and set the clock on the microwave.
Their kids are brighter, their lawns are greener and their cars run
better. Their daughters are prettier and their sons are better
athletes. Their spouses are sweeter and their mothers-in-law hardly
visit at all.
Chemists do things like save lives and generally make a better world.
Anyway, I looked around and it seemed to me that chemists were clearly
superior folk and I would be proud to be one. That is why I am a chemist.
That and all the good jobs were taken.
7.From: John Bauer
"We had no doubts: we would be chemists, but our expectations and hopes
were quite different. Enrico asked chemistry, quite reasonably, for the
tools to earn his living and have a secure life. I asked for something
entirely different; for me chemistry represented an indefinite cloud of
future potentialities which enveloped my life to come in black volutes
torn by fiery flashes, like those which had hidden Mount Sinai. Like
Moses, from that cloud I expected my law, the principle of order in me,
around me, and in the world. I was fed up with books, which I still
continued to gulp down with indiscreet voracity, and searched for a key
to the highest truths; there must be a key, and I was certain that,
owing to some monstrous conspiracy to my detriment and the world's, I
would not get it in school. In school they loaded me with tons of
notions which I diligently digested, but which did not warm the blood in
my veins. I would watch the buds swell in spring, the mica glint in the
granite, my own hands, and I would say to myself: 'I will understand
this, too, I will understand everything, but not the way they want me
to. I will find a shortcut, I will make a lock-pick, I will push open
"It was enervating, nauseating, to listen to lectures on the problem of
being and knowing, when everything around us was a mystery pressing to be
revealed: the old wood of the benches, the sun's sphere beyond the
windowpanes and the roofs, the vain flight of the pappus down in the June
air. Would all the philosophers and all the armies of the world be able to
construct this little fly? No, nor even understand it: this was a shame
and an abomination, another road must be found. "We would be chemists,
Enrico and I. We would dredge the bowels of the mystery with our strength,
our talent: we would grab Proteus by the throat, cut short his inconclusive
metamorphoses from Plato to Augustine, from Augustine to Thomas, from
Thomas to Hegel, from Hegel to Croce. We would force him to speak."
~Primo Levi _The Periodic Table_ (1975) Translated by Raymond Rosenthal
8.From: Norma van der Plaas
My daughter, not that long ago, made a basic error on a chemistry matter
in discussion with me, to which I replied, "Good heavens, you should
know that, you learnt it in the lab in your Yr 8 (first year High
School) Science class!"
She replied, "No I didn't"
I retorted, "Yes, you did!"
She replied, "No I didn't. How would *YOU* know what the dumb Science
teacher taught us, anyway?"
I replied, quietly, "Because, if you care to recall, I *WAS* your dumb
Yr 8 Science teacher"
9.Famous last words
Chemistry teacher: And if you combine the base and the acid just right, youcan safely drink it.
Chemist: What kind of tea is this?
Chemist: Why do they keep that under oil? It wil be much safer under water.
10.Top Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab
10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."
7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."
6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.
3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.
2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid
1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.